October 4, 2012       Reflection on the Sunday's readings:       Daniel Daring        Daniel's previous reflections

Sunday 27(B)
God’s vision and human tragedy – Mark 10: 2-12  

This year, my parents celebrated the 45th anniversary of their marriage. As far as I remember, there were good years. Yes, there were a lot of challenges, difficult times, and problems, but they were always able to find the solutions, they always made it through, walking together. Eleven years ago, my aunt married a divorce man. Before getting married, the relationship seemed to be satisfactory, yet with the passing years it became obvious that it was not going to be easy for her. True enough, it came to the point that they had to separate. Marriage and divorce, faithfulness and broken promises, those are the topics of Jesus’ discussion with the Pharisees and his disciples in the Gospel of Mark 10:2-12.  

Marriage – God’s vision of life  

Said R. Eleazar: “Any man who has no wife is no man: ‘Male and female created he them and called their name Adam’ ”(Gen 5:2). Jewish sages placed the highest value upon marriage and the family. Said R. Hanilai, “Any man who has no wife lives without joy, blessing, goodness:

 Joy: ‘and you shall rejoice, you and your house’ (Deut. 14:26);
Blessing: ‘to cause a blessing to rest on your house’ (Ezek. 44:30); Goodness: ‘it is not good that man should be alone’ (Gen 2:18).”

 They regarded women as the foundation of the virtuous life. They maintained that an unmarried man cannot achieve virtue. Said R. Hama bar Hanina, “When a man marries a wife, his sins are buried: ‘Who so finds a wife finds a great good and gets favor of the Lord’ (Prov 18:22).

When we read the story of creation, we notice the harmony that permeates this account: from light to animals and human beings everything evolves from God and it is good. And when we listen to the story of man searching for a suitable partner in life and unable to find any among the animal world, we can relate to our own experiences of loneliness, disappointment, and frustration at treading the journey of life alone. “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). How true!

And with this statement comes the promise: “I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). Those who walk alone through life, sooner or later, realize that they miss something important, namely the presence of other person who understands, cares and loves. All those romantic stories, where she waits for a prince to arrive into her life, and he searches for a beauty to be won and saved from the claws of a beast, elaborate on this human longing for “a suitable partner.” And when finally the prince is found and the beauty is won and saved, the joy of this encounter is expressed in the words, “I have found you,” and in a decision to leave behind everything and walk together: “. . . and He brought her to the man. The man said, ‘this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;’ . . . For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:22-24).

 This vision of God is further developed by Paul, when he speaks about the way, the journey of married couples through life, should be walked: a husband should love his wife the way Jesus loves His church, and a wife should respect her husband the way the Church – the people of God – respect Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33). However, God’s vision is one thing, and the reality of our lives is another.  

Divorce – the reality of life  

“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (Mark 10:2). The statistics are alarming. More than 50% of the Catholics in the U.S. and 48% of Singaporean Catholics live in irregular marriages (figures can vary to some extent). There are different reasons for divorce, but it usually comes to this major one: incompatibility to live together or, as someone put it in a more concrete way, “we do not have anything in common anymore.” It turned out in the course of time, that it was not God who brought her to him; it turned out that she was not that “suitable helper.”

The practice of divorce, upheld by the Pharisees, goes back to the Law of Moses: “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him, because he finds something indecent about her,” he was allowed to write a certificate of divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1). It was not sure, however, what should have constituted that “something indecent” in order to give reason for divorce. One school of thought considered unfaithfulness and adultery as the right reason for writing a certificate of divorce; another one allowed divorce even when a wife overcooked chicken or spoiled soup.

 On the other hand, in the Roman Empire, during the time of Jesus, not only men, but also women were allowed to write a certificate of divorce. In such situations, God’s vision is tarnished and the marriage turns into a contract, like other contracts we sign during the course of our lives; it can then easily be dissolved.

And yet, divorce is often seen as the only solution to the humiliating and life-threatening experiences behind the close doors of many households. One can ask: “Is it lawful for a man to have a mistress?” And yet many Catholic men in Asia follow that acceptable Asian practice;
“Is it lawful for a battered wife to sacrifice her life and risk physical and psychological torment on a daily basis just to avoid divorce?” And yet many women were asked just to pray for their husbands and were sent back to their homes for another portion of insults and wounds.

The Catholic Church does not allow divorce and a second marriage; it only allows legal separation. And it forbids its faithful, who are living in irregular marriages, to participate in the Eucharist. For some it is a sign of being true to the teaching of Jesus: “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12). For some it is a sign of being judgmental and lacking the forgiving spirit of Jesus. Are we not repeating the fault of the disciples who, unable to understand Jesus’ teaching about the cross and suffering, craved for power and high position, yet dare to forbid “little children,” (Mark 10:13) - which at best is translated as “no-bodies” - to come to Jesus? How do we interpret the passage from the Gospel of Matthew: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (19:9)? Is there then a possible situation when divorce is allowed? Why did Paul allow Christians to divorce their unbelieving partners (1 Corinthians 7:15)? Finally, does experience not show that a second marriage is often successful?  

Conclusion  

Marriage is God’s vision for us, men and women of this world. It is about being faithful, the way God is faithful: “I shall never leave you, nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Divorce is a terrible tragedy that, unfortunately, is present in the reality of this world deeply wounded by sin. We are called to uphold God’s vision about marriage and make it happen in our families; but at the same time, we need to help those who failed and struggle to rebuild their lives anew. I am not sure whether we have the right to keep away from the Eucharistic table many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Could we not follow the practice of our sister Church, the Orthodox Christians, that gives a second chance for those who failed the first time? If Jesus revealed Himself as the Messiah to a woman who had five husbands and finally lived with a man without a marriage contract, would He not come to those who humbly acknowledge their failure and struggle to rebuild their lives?