Smiles 2012

At a school family Mass at Iona College in Brisbane in the late 1970s,
a Year 9 boy instead of reading
"Wives give way to your husbands" (today's 2nd reading),
read (not at all deliberately...an honest mistake)
"Wives give away your husbands" !

Little boy in "Outback" Australia had never seen rain.
There had been a drought for more than 5 years.
Then just before Christmas the clouds began to form.
On Christmas Eve water fell from the sky.
The little boy ran to the window to see what was happening.
He called out to his mother "Mum, what's that?"
His mother replied "That's rain, dear" (..reindeer..)

Dec 9 - At the Pearly Gates
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO (health maintenance
organization) have all died and are in line together at the Pearly
Gates. Saint Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done
in their lives.
The doctor says, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and
have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of poor people."
Saint Peter says, "That's great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about
you, nurse?"
The nurse says, "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my
entire life as an adult."
Saint Peter replies, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor.
And what about you?"
The HMO director says, "I was the president of a very large HMO and
was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the
country." Saint Peter says, "Oh, I see. Please go in ... but you can
only stay two nights!"

A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that the cardinals were not very good golfers.
One Cardinal turned to the Pope and suggested, "We could get Tiger Woods and ordainn him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory."
"That's a great idea", said the Pope.
A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.
"So, how did it go?" asked the Pope.
One of the cardinals replied, "Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost."
"How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon." gasped the Pope.
The cardinal shook his head and replied, "Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!"

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

      USA Today: We're dead

      The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones plummets as world ends

      National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, together again

      Playboy: Girls of the apocalypse

      Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple loses market share

      Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our final sale

      Sports Illustrated: Game over!

      Wired: The last new thing!

      Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead reunion tour

      Readers Digest: 'Bye!

      Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

      TV Guide: Death and damnation: Nielson Ratings soar!

      Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs by judgement day with our new "Armageddon" Diet!

      America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

      Inc. Magazine: Ten ways you can profit from the apocalypse!

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment,
Mrs. Silver said to her son,
"Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that now she's angry with you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
She said "It's none of your business how old she is."

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife. To complicate matters further, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

November 4, 2012 True story from Eric Liddell by Janet and Geoff Bence, p.65 (c.f. Chariots of Fire)

Not long after Eric won the 400 metres Gold Medal at the 1924 Parish Olympic Games,
he graduated in science at Edinburgh University. When he was called to the stage to receive his degree, the whole audience stood and cheered and clapped him for several minutes....after which the vice-chancellor gave a short speech to honor Eric. But the speech was interrupted by another long bout of cheering and clapping when the vice-chancellor made the remark "Well, Mr Liddell, you have shown that no one can pass you but the examiner"!

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the back seat of the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

October 21 - Some Chinese-English

Stupid man.......................................... Dum Gai
I think you need a face lift..................... Chin Tu Fat
Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
I thought you were on a diet.................. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
It's very dark in here............................. Wai So Dim?

When unmarried Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother

When a journalist innocently asked him, "Your Holiness, how many people work in the Vatican?" John said, "About half of them." Another time he was walking in the streets and a woman passed him and said, "My God, he's so fat!" And he turned around and said, "Madame, I trust you understand that the papal conclave is not exactly a beauty contest."

In the 1940s, when John was still a cardinal and the papal nuncio in Paris, he was at an elegant dinner party, seated across from a woman wearing a very low-cut dress that exposed a good deal of cleavage. Someone turned to him and said, "Your Eminence, aren't you embarrassed that everyone is looking at that woman?" And he said, "Oh no, everyone is looking at me, to see if I'm looking at her."

On Sep 28 I spent 3 hours at Immigration in Hong Kong, helping a street-sleeping Spanish woman extend her visa.
With me was a kind lady parishioner (who had put together a rescue-package for the woman...including an air ticket back to Spain), and a local Chinese Spanish-speaking lady who works at the Spanish Consulate-General

During our wait at Immigration, we had plenty of time to talk. In the course of conversation I asked the Consulate lady if she knew of anyone at the Consulate who belonged to Opus Dei (...which has many Spanish members in HK).

King announced: I will give my daughter and half my kingdom to any man
who can swim the river near my palace, the river which is full of crocodiles

Then a small Filipino is in the water...swims furiously...no one has ever seen
a person swim so fast

He gets safely to other side....everyone hails him as a hero.
People cheer and clap....but he just bends over, gasping for breath

Finally he speaks: "I just want to say one thing", he says, gasping for breath,
"Who pushed me in?!"

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border
and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:
TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Irish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"

01 Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

02 An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

03 A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' The man answered 'Twelve thirty..'

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he fell down, he caught hold of a small branch
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
"IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

Climber is on mountain of snow....mist everywhere...can't even see his legs....he falls.....and is hanging from safety rope around his waist...still can't see anything...calls out for help...no answer...calls to God..."please help me"....God says "will you do anything I ask?"...."yes, yes" says man.
God: "Cut the rope"....long pause...then "Anyone else up there?"
.....after a while climber dies, attached to safety rope. He's found some days later....when mist has cleared...by people who wonder why he didn't cut the rope, since he was only a few feet above the ground !

Alcoholics Anonymous formed a new group.
Members sat in circle and introduced themselves for the first time.
Said their first names and brief personal history.
Last man to speak had a surprising introduction:
"My problem is not beer or wine,
but braking fluid. I've developed a real addiction,
but I can stop any time"

August 19 A Child's View of Thunderstorms

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

Old man with two large incredibly heavy suitcases struggled to bus stop.
A younger man, already at bus stop, asked old man "what's in cases?"
"Batteries" said the old man.
As they kept talking the young man asked what job did the older man did.
"I'm an inventor".
"What have you invented?"
"I've invented this extraordinary watch which shows weather, traffics news, share prices,
latest general news for every city in the world. It's a super internet-type watch".
After the younger man checked that the watch did in fact do all of the above,
he asked if he could buy it.
"Sorry, it's one of a kind".
"I'll give you $100".
"No way, it cost a lot more than than to make".
"Make it $300".
"Not a chance".
"$500".
"Still doesn't include cost of labor".
"My final offer, $1,000...take it or leave it".
"OK, I'll take it. Here's the watch".
Just then the bus came and the younger man got on first.
The older man, pointing to the two suitcases called out to him
"Don't you want the batteries?"

The team from Palestine was having trouble finding people for the swimming events,
so Jesus decided to volunteer. He was entered for the 100 metres freestyle as Chris Davidson.
He easily made it through the heats to the final swim,
but at the final he shocked everyone by showing up in street clothes.
He wasn't wearing a swimming suit.
Race officials and team members tried to persuade him to use a swimming suit,
but he just went ahead and stood on the block in ordinary clothes....and sandals!
People in the crowd roared with laughter. Other swimmers mocked him.
But then when the starting gun fired, something extraordinary happened.
As Chris jumped into the pool, he didn't enter the water.
He landed on the water...and started walking quickly...even jogging.... on the water.
People in the crowd couldn't believe their eyes
....and the other swimmers thought they were going crazy,
watching this guy run along past them.
Chris easily won the race...it was literally a walk-over.
When the media questioned him as to how he did it
Chris simply replied: I've always believed you should walk the talk!

Heard this in person from a South American priest....about days not so long ago
when priests in his country were followed and monitored by military government staff.
One day after Mass, a staff man was really upset and told priest never again to use
"that Communist song".
"Which song?" asked priest.
Staff man showed him video of the song.
Priest replied: that song was written by a young woman long ago. It's called "The Magnificat" !

An Iman, a bishop and a Rabbi used to get together each week in a coffee shop

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

The Iman, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Koran.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly faced toward Mecca, said
an emergency prayer, and he became as gentle a lamb.

The bishop spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Young Jewish man, Amos, big money problems.
Goes to synagogue...makes fervent prayer:
"God, this is Amy here...big problems...please help me win
lottery...just a little prize will do. Amen".

One week goes by ...no money.
So he goes back to synagogue...makes same prayer:
"God, Amy here again...big problems...please help me win
lottery...just a little prize will do. Amen".

Another week goes by...no money.
So he goes back to synagogue for third time and prays
"God, it's me, Amy again. Twice I've asked you for help
but nothing happened. Please help me win a small prize in lottery"

Just then, roof of synagogue opens, there's a flash of light
and a rich deep voice says: "OK, I'll meet you half way.
But you need to buy a lottery ticket" !

Husband and wife, tourists, noticed strange behavior at waterfront near ferry terminal.
An elderly man was going through the actions of fishing,
but he didn't have a real fishing line.
He would "throw in" his imaginary line,
and sometimes "reel in" an imaginary fish.

Husband felt sorry for man.
Husband gave him some real money to buy some real fish.
As he departed, the husband asked the man "Have you caught many?"
Man replied "You're the third one this afternoon"

Last Friday I spent the day as usual at Lai Chi Kok Detention Centre (1,200 men). By the time I left in late afternoon, my shirt, as usual, was like a wet rag (this time in HK is the height of summer). So, as usual, I went to toilet at Main Gate to change shirt before leaving. Kind officer at Main Gate said "no need to use toilet, use that room, there's no one there at the moment"....as he pointed to visitors' room. So I changed my shirt in visitors' room....a long room with 12 booths on each side. When I came out I said to the kind officer "that's the first time I've had 24 cameras recording my change of shirt!". He said "no problem. Security staff all men" !

Johnny’s Mother looked out the window and noticed Him “playing church” with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window
to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”
Johnny looked up at her and said,
“He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”

p.s. Why didn't John the Baptist want a party for his birthday?
...he didn't like birthday parties....afraid of losing his head

The bagpiper's story

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the Highlands.

As I was not familiar with the Highlands, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I ha ner seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Man was watering the garden in his back yard.
He noticed the lady next door was digging a hole in her garden.

Man: "But why are you digging such a large hole?"
Lady: "My goldfish is inside your cat" !

A man feared his wife was becoming deaf and thought she might need a hearing aid.
Unsure how to broach the matter, he called the family doctor for advice.

The Doctor mentioned a simple test the husband could use to gauge the extent of her hearing loss.
"Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He thought "I'm about 40 feet away now. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen.
At about 30 feet distance from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?

Still no response.

He moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away and says "Honey, what's for dinner?
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the fifth time, its chicken"

One rainy day a rich German tourist stops at the local hotel and puts down a 100 euro note on the reception desk, telling the hotel owner he would like a room for the night, but would first like to inspect the room. The owner gives him a room number and a key, and as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs the hotelier grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the note and runs down the street to repay his
debt to the baker. The baker then calls upon the local candlestick maker and hands him the 100 euro note in settlement of his debts. The candlestick maker then rushes down the street to the local lady of the night and hands her the note for services previously rendered. She then walks into the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner, whereupon he quickly places the 100 euro note back on the counter so the German tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment the tourist
comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms
are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt!

May 13 (for Mother's Day)

A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?" The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

May 6   (today's Gospel - Vine & Branches)

Q: Do you know how to make sure that your Baptist friend does not drink all of your wine when you go fishing?
A: Never take just one Baptist fishing with you. One Baptist will drink all of your wine.
But, if you take two Baptists with you, neither of them will drink any wine.

Q: Do you know how to make sure that your Catholic friend does not drink all of your wine when you go fishing?
A: Invite his parish priest. Friend will not drink the wine. Priest will drink it all

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.," says the honest shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, Why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the savvy shepherd, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.......now give me back my dog."

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!
"The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..." ..."Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began
to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

Lady having her hair done at hairdresser's in USA. Lady said she was going to Rome next week.
Hairdresser: What airline are you flying?
Lady: Continental
Hairdresser: Continental no good. Big mistake.
Lady: Too late. Already booked.
Hairdresser: What hotel will you stay at in Rome?
Lady: The Eterna
Hairdresser: That's a dump. How could you choose such a flea-pit?
Lady: Too late. Already booked
Lady: I'm hoping to see the Pope.
Hairdresser: You and a hundred thousand others---

About a month later, on her return from Rome, lady again goes to have hair done.

Hairdresser: How was Continental?
Lady: No problem. Brand new Jumbo jet
Hairdresser: What about the terrible hotel?
Lady: It was beautiful. Just had 25 million dollar renovations.
Hairdresser: And don't tell me you saw the Pope?
Lady: Well, our group was walking through St Peter's when a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and said the Pope likes to pick some pilgrims at random for a meeting.
Hairdresser: You talked to the Pope! What did he say to you?
Lady: He asked me who fecked up my hair?

Thief broke into convent of Sisters of St Joseph.
Then a voice was heard: Joseph is watching.
Voice again heard: Joseph is watching.
Thief uses torch....sees that "voice" is a parot.
Thief goes on putting items in his sack.
Voice then says to huge guard dog: Get him, Joseph"

Four priests in sharing group during retreat.....discussing their weaknesses, then praying for each other.
1st priest "I sometimes have trouble with porn on internet" - then the 3 others prayed for him.
2nd priest "I sometimes have trouble with gambling" - then the 3 others prayed for him
3rd priest "I sometimes have trouble with alcohol" - then the 3 others prayed for him
4th priest "I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get back to my parish"

Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?'
To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'

Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they?
'Socialists', the child says. 'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.

A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair
and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'

'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed?
'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

Feb 26
True story: last Wednesday night at Tung Wah Hospital in Hong Kong,
I visited 3 dear friends who have Motor Neuron Disease (MND - ALS - Lou Gehrig's Disease):
Michael, John and Candy. Thank you for prayers for them...
John had just finished having some sort of congee. He asked me for pen and paper (he can't speak).
Then he wrote, very slowly and with difficulty:
"could - you - please - help - me"....to which I replied, verbally, "I course I will".
He kept writing "- get - back - my-"
....and I thought to myself...the next word will be "health" (that's what we pray for each week).
Then the next two words appeared "- green - spoon"!
Someone had accidentally taken it when cleaning up after the meal.
That was an easy item to retrieve. May John's health also soon be retrieved!

Jan 29 Imaginary Friends - George Monbiot - the further you read, the funnier it gets....

Jan 22
University students sitting at table in park next to McDonald's.
Old couple come and sit at nearby table.
Old couple have one bag from McDonald's, with one Big Mac, one French fries - which they divide in two.
Uni students: "You must be very poor to have only one meal between two people. We will buy you another meal"
Old couple: "No need, thank you. We share everything. That's the way we do things"

...after a while.....uni students notice that although the old man and old woman are sharing the one cup of coffee, only the old man is eating the Big Mac & fries

Uni students to old woman: "why aren't you eating anything?"
Old woman: "no problem. We share everything. I'm waiting for the teeth"

Catholic priest, Jewish Rabbi and Anglican bishop in car going along highway.
Hit a large rabbit which was crossing the road. Rabbit was thrown to side of road.
Three holy men decided to stop and minister to dead rabbit.
Rabbi prayed....nothing happened.
Bishop prayed...nothing happened.
Priest took out bottle and sprinkled rabbit. Rabbit came back to life....stood up...waved.....went about 10 metres...waved again....another 10 metres...waved again.

Rabbi & bishop to priest: what did you do?
Priest: I just used some hair restorer......with a permanent wave

Jan 1
Everyone knows the number one joke about Australia :
people say “I came here today” and pronounce “today” to sound like “to die”.

Last year in Hong Kong I learnt another joke about

Australia

.
On the Metro (MTR) I met a very friendly couple from the Mainland.
As soon as I said “I’m from

Australia

” they made two comments:
1.

Australia

is a very beautiful country.
2. Australians call out “Aussie, Aussie” to support their sports teams.

Then the penny fell. “Aussie” sounds like Cantonese for “excrement” (粪便).
No wonder Chinese people laugh when they hear Australians at a sports event calling out “Aussie”, “Aussie” !

But Australian’s don’t know about this. Nor does President Obama. On his recent visit to Australia he led 2,000 Australian soldiers in a chant of "Aussie Aussie Aussie". If only he knew what he was saying!

I've never been in the habit of using the word "Aussie"
...and I'm not intending to start!