October 20
Comedian and cardinal at dinner
And: - A 5 year old who understood the power of prayer:
Johnny,
a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother
and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His
dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, "
I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby
brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"
Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's
challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a
baby brother.
He prayed every night for a whole month,
but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the
neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had
never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for
two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying.
After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came
back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously
walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little
bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and
there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!
Johnny's dad looked down at him and
said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"
Johnny hesitated a little and then
looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I
did?"
October 13 - Lepers....I heal lepers !
and ...Francis the comic strip
October 6
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with Moses as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and Moses announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,”ť says Moses, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
Moses chuckles, “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”
Sep
29: Delicate
Dementia
Several days ago as I left the club, I desperately gave myself a
personal pat down.
I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in
the club revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife had scolded me many times
for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory
is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my
keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."
Sep 22
Typhoon
joke - since typhoon due to hit Hong Kong tonight:
A typhoon blew across the Pacific Rim. It didn't take long for the expensive
yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only
two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who
managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very
upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite
calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus.
"We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered
here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the
confident Dr. Smythe.
"Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to
my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago,
I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last
year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million
dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.
"So what?" shouted Marcus.
"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know
they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.
Sep 15
Sep 8
Small boy to lady on beach: Are you a Christian?
Lady: yes
Small boy: Do you pray?
Lady: yes
Small boy: Do
you keep the commandments?
Lady: yes
Small boy: would you please mind my wallet while I go swimming?!
September 1: To go with theme of today's Gospel ...banquets...
A
couple decided to go for a meal and after some deliberation settled
for their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special
'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around
before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...
wait for it...
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
> > > > >>
'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
August 25
August 18
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!
August 11
Aug 4
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then ...
... but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
RECALL
NOTICE:
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units
manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in
the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve,
resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent
units.
This defect has been identified as "Sub-sequential Internal
Non-morality," more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily
expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect,
is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to
correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no
additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the
REPENTANCE procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the
heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self-control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (BEST Instructions
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action
will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be
permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that
facility.
Thank you for your attention!
- GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this
important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by
'Knee mail'!
July 28
A:
In
China, North America and other places, the bottom floor of a building is the
1/F.
But in Hong Kong, following the British system, the bottom floor is the G/F.
Last Wednesday in the Central area of HK....in the building which houses the
Catholic Centre,
a visitor from North America left 6/F and pressed 1/F to go to bottom
floor.
At 3/F a local lady got into the lift, and pressed G/F to go to bottom floor.
Visitor: "Does this building have a ground floor?"
Local lady: "I hope so"
‘How
many of you love your husbands?’
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked,
July 21
Fr.
Norton woke up Sunday
morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Fr Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Fr.
Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to be able to tell?”
July 14
A: Cuppa Magna c.f. Cappa Magna
B:
(Sent by a kind reader)
Paddy
spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell
forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
July 7
How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?
-
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
-
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
-
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
-
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
-
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
-
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
-
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
-
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
-
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
-
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
-
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
-
Amish: What's a light bulb?
June 30
A:
Gynecologist decided to change jobs and be a mechanical engineer.
In first major exam, he received 150%.
Professor explained:
you took engine apart perfectly: 50%
you put engine back together again perfectly: 50%
Gynecologist:
But why 150%?
Professor: first time I've ever seen anyone do this through the muffler
B:
Vet to farmer with very sick bed-ridden prize
horse :
Try this medicine for 3 days. If it doesn't work, you'll have to put him
down
Pig,
after hearing above conversation, spends next 3 days encouraging and urging
horse to get up before it's too late.
At end of 3rd day, horse finally stands up and walks around freely, even
runs a bit.
Farmer to family and friends: It's a miracle. Let's celebrate. Kill the pig
June
23 I heard an archbishop tell this joke last week:
It's the year 2056: brain
transplants available.....man goes shopping....sees 3 brains for sale.
First brain is priced at $10,000 - brain of an engineer.
Second brain is priced at $15,000 - brain of a doctor.
Third brain is priced at $20,000 - brain of a bishop.
Man asks shop keeper why bishop's brain the most expensive of the three.
Shopkeeper: because like new, rarely used
June 16 - for Father's Day:
Text from boy: "No mon, no fun, your son" ("mon"..."money")
Reply
from father: "So sad, too bad, your Dad"
--------------------------
Man
arrived home, over the moon, happy and joking and laughing. Wife asked him
why so happy.
He said "For the first time in my life I heard my father say to me 'I
love you'.
Man was 70 years old. Father 94 years old
-----------------------------
And this from
Daniel Daring (in
this article):
There is a joke about a priest and a taxi driver who happened
to die on the same day. Upon approaching the gate of heaven, the priest sees
a long queue and is told that he has to fall in line. Then, suddenly someone
passes by and is immediately ushered to heaven. The priest gets annoyed and
asks: ‘Who was that guy?’ ‘Taxi driver,’ was the response. The
priest could not stand that, and immediately ran to the doorkeeper. ‘How
dare you keep me here standing, and allowing this sinful taxi driver to
enter just like that? Don’t you know that I was serving God through my
whole life and I was preaching the Gospel every day?’ The doorkeeper
excused himself and went in to call Jesus. Jesus went out, embraced the
priest and said: ‘I have something to tell you. When you were preaching,
the congregation was always falling asleep. When this taxi driver was
driving, all his passengers were praying. Who do you think deserves to enter
first?’
June 9:
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
-----
Little
Johnny
and
his
family
were
having
Sunday
dinner
at
his
Grandmother's
house.
Everyone
was
seated
around
the
table
as
the
food
was
being
served.
When
little
Johnny
received
his
plate,
he
started
eating
right
away.
"Johnny!
Please
wait
until
we
say
our
prayer."
said
his
mother.
"I
don't
need
to,"
the
boy
replied.
"Of
course,
you
do
"his
mother
insisted.
"We
always
say
a
prayer
before
eating
at
our
house."
"That's
at
our
house."
Johnny
explained.
"But
this
is
Grandma's
house
and
she
knows
how
to
cook.
-----
A
Sunday
school
teacher
asked,
"Johnny,
do
you
think
Noah
did
a
lot
of
fishing
when
he
was
on
the
Ark
?"
"No,"
replied
Johnny.
"How
could
he,
with
just
two
worms
June 2, 2013
A: YouTube: Rembrandt's "Guards of the Night" brought to life
B:
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11
STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE
OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT
SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
2013-05-26 For Trinity Sunday:
The Trinity were planning a holiday. The
Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up
with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.
"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated,
they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head
in."
So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about
Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history
and everything."
"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last
time, I'm never going there again!"
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later
he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both
thought was excellent:
"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.
"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there
before!"
2013-05-26
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
George Phillips,
an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed,
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door
to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He
said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me. Then
the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He
hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right
now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a
Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the
Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
George said,
"I thought you said there
was nobody available!" (True
Story)
2013-05-19 Internet History:
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began
